I want to dance with my books

I'm going to be one of those girls who explains what reading makes her feel. Mainly, because I just can't help but feel like expressing to someone or in this case, something, how deeply passionate and in love I am with reading.

I am in love with books. I am in love with the way they make me feel. They give me inspiration, ideas, they make me feel like I am not alone. They make me feel like I am not crazy. They show me that are people just like me, that there are people crazier, more afraid, more angry, lost, wilder and hungrier for something. They make me want to be more than who I am, and they show me that so much can be done under any circumstance. Books are therapeutic, they reassure you of life, they reassure you of an outcome to any dramatic twist or turn, sad event, upset truth. They open the mind giving thought to things that were never once pondered or anticipated. They test you, challenge you. Books make you feel. Printed words make you feel, because they come from somewhere. They come from a PLACE. A place that exists in SOMEONE ELSE's mind. Which is creepy. Its so creepy, it becomes an art to reveal those thoughts which come from those places--because it is very difficult task to do. It is difficult to communicate to someone your story and truly enthrall or captivate them in your work.

This is why I don't just like my favorite authors, I love them. Because they have found their way into my soul. And although they do not know me, they did something special for me without probably even knowing they would.

Playing with dolls

When I was a kid I used to stare out the window thinking it was such a shame that we had to waste the day sitting class. I'd imagine how nice it'd be to be some place else. Some place with trees, grassy green hills and blue skies. This hasn't changed, I still do it. I always wish to be some place else than wherever I am. I was thinking about this as I sat in class today. Then I started to realize how both the same and different I am from who I was when I was little. We all have relationships with ourselves, we all talk to ourselves, think and contemplate decisions that we tell our bodies to act upon [or not to act upon]. Then all of a sudden I was overcome by this unique kind of sadness when I realized just how much I had forgotten about little Celeste. I started to think how sometimes I would much rather have a relationship with who I was when I when I was a kid then with I who I am now.

I began to remember how much I used to love playing with my dolls, ahah I actually didn't grow out of them for a while, to be honest. Because for me it wasn't play, it was something more...For me it was almost a form of art--it was creating elaborate plots, with complex and dynamic characters, unique settings with climactic endings. It was true imagination that once used to come so easy. It would excite me and I would be anxious to come home, finish all the responsibilites I had (as a kid) and start a new story with my dolls.

Today I look up to the younger me for being that storyteller, for creating something even if it was small and for the imagination that once took me outside the walls of my home and brought me to new places.

I thought about how much of that I lost, and why I have not continued to use my imagination the way I once did and why many of us no longer do. If we once had the ability to be 'makers' and 'doers'  as kids and we're so good at it, then why do we lose it? Should we only get better at it/ continue to do it? (MAYBE I should just speak for myself here). And we shouldn`t stop for the fear of not being successful at it. Like a child, we should be excited to create for the purpose of entertaining ourselves like we used to.

Like my dolls, my goal is to make my written words my dolls and regain the ambition and excitement to create like little Celeste used to. I think it's going to be harder than I think, but if I'm realizing how much I've lost it at this age, imagine how i'll feel if I never did it by the age of idk say 50? I wont be happy.

This is our decade!

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back?"

Tolkien's characters Frodo & Sam in his epic trilogy, Lord of the Rings were certain of one thing as they continued their journey to destroy the ring...that life would never be the same. And although much of the story is based on the goal of destroying the ring, a large part of the story's plot are the internal conflicts within the characters that are not out rightly stated. Toward the last half of the trilogy Frodo was still unable to accept that life could not be the same, that too much had changed.  And as the story unfolds the spectator/reader is able to see how dynamic the characters become after facing much adversity.

What I am able to appreciate now, more than ever before..and after much reflection and deep thought, is how much the journey really matters more than the conquest. Mainly because a huge part OF  the conquest are the internal changes that occur within the character. As lameee as it sounds, or rather as predictable as it may be for me to relate to Frodo, I truly, truly do! Because anyone I've spoken to can tell you how much time I've spent time ranting about how different life will be when I return. But that isn't what i'm going to spend time writing about...because I don't think that way anymore!

I sat for a second a few months back and remembered how afraid I was to change because so many people had told me I would, and I figured, how much could I possibly change? And IF I changed, could I still go back to doing the same things I did before, sit on a couch and hang with the same people. And as I sit here today, I think... if I could travel back in time, I would face palm myself, because i'm thinking...OF COURSE I COULD go back and do the same things, and I know I WILL! Because, like in Tolkien's works of fiction he did not outright state that his characters had changed through narration,  it was simply shown that it had become embedded within them through their actions. They we're the same goofball hobbits from the Shire, but they're mindsets and perspectives on life were what had changed most of all. 

I recently started wondering why I was losing so much motivation to go back home and continue with the plan that I had set out for myself before leaving. My mother, more than anyone knows how much of a long-term goal-setter I am. I used to pat myself on the back in front of her to remind her how credible I am after accomplishing a goal I told her that I'd accomplish. And now I'm actually struggling to "see my future". Mainly because I really don't know where its going. And normally, I would freak out a little bit...start doing some research and figure out possibilities for my life...options! But I'm not, not a part of me is stressing....because I have that much faith in it [life that it].

It's because I feel so differently about it now...its crazzzzzy how different. I've gone a few places, seen a few things, but the greatest part of being abroad has been meeting people who continue to WOW me with their faith in life. I believed the true path to success was finishing college, getting an internship in my fourth year with a job, graduating, hoping to land a job in the internship I was working for, and then working my way up the ladder to success. And it's not a bad goal, its great really. But I'm just not sure its the goal for me. As I continue enter and live out the decade of my 20's, I've started to believe in something different. I've met people working in different countries, learning new languages, seeing the world, working for a greater cause, and being so happy that they're constructing their life differently. And I think its so beautiful. Lot's of people say their goal in life is to travel and that one day they plan to do this, or that. Now i'm realizing that TODAY is truly the time to do it. 

Now I've spent almost a year abroad, through a program with my university. And I have been largely supported by my parents (bless their beautiful hearts, hardworking hands, and minds), as well as a few loans. But never have I believed how possible it is for anyone, anyone!, to see the world and live their life out-of-the-box, no matter who you are. I know this because I've met so many interesting characters doing it without the support of anyone but themselves. How they do it? Well, I suppose it's something you'd have to figure out on your own, but I believe that is the beauty of it. 

We really do have our later years to grow old. And I hope I never spend my younger years doing that. I strive to make my parents and mentors proud. But I think it's important to make them proud by doing the things that maybe they did not have the chance or opportunity to do. To see new lands, help people in need, learn new languages, taste new foods and put ourselves in places where we've never been more afraid to be in (not too dangerous of course!) because its something SO different than what we know. Its something that will change us.

And yet, I'm still coping with my new mindset...juggling with the idea of whether its okay to think like this, but I figure that's normal? I never plan to lose ambition, that is not my goal. I just plan to embrace the beauty of my youth, which is something I hope for everyone.

Do what makes you happy, in the most responsible way possible. AND you are never too young, too poor, to incapable to see the SAHARA DESERT (but I can't promise it won't be challenging) so try to see it! :)

I know so many people are in the midst of finals, it's a time of true stress and anxiety. But don't forget that 20 years from now you won't remember if you screwed up a little on that test, (I am not condoning bad grades of course), you'll remember the challenge &  journey more than the conquest. Have faith that life will take its course, but put the right work into. This is our decade to do the shit we can tell our children about later. And later is for hoping they will do the same.

Meet my talented roommates in Madrid...

Had to post these videos! These are some of the works of my roommates here in Madrid, they're so talented and they're fantastic! (Ines y Santi).... feelin' lucky

Cali...I mean Madrid Dreaming...

I have to admit that I really have to push myself to write in this blog now.  It's not like I have nothing to write about, believe me I could completely bore you with my stories, or if you're my mother, have you reading for days. It's just that I think I've hit a point in this whole thing where things are feeling just...normal.  And when things are just normal, when things are just every day life, you feel like what you're living isn't really worth writing about. If I was in Irvine, I highly doubt anyone would care to read what I was doing day to day, or which PA party I attended...I doubt I'd find interest in even writing about that.

Yes, I'm in Spain and living a completely different lifestyle culturally than I'd be if I was in the US, but it's odd how a different lifestyle could really become natural to someone. Its insane how it could only take a month or two for you to adjust to a new place. And if you think about it, in a whole lifetime there are plenty of "two months" in order to adjust to a new place. But believe me, the amount of work and shit I've gone through in the past two months...I'm not quite sure I'd give up just any two months to adjust to a new place...it requires quite a bit of energy to get to the adjusted point I am in now.

I don't want to write and while I write get through all of the things that I've been thinking so I'll just write it in bits....

ONLY SOME of the things I've learned and realized...

I don't think I've ever been more patriotic in my life than I am now.  The United States is me, I am the United States. Thank you for your political correctness, diverse choice of foods, the convenience of getting anything done quickly and efficiently and on time, friendly people, advanced technology, for making all dollar amounts the same size and for taking good care of my family. To that I'll sing, Godbless America, that one country song that they always play during the firework show at 4th of July.

The beach, trees, mountains, landscapes....what I would give to lay and fall asleep on the sand, with the sun kissing my face...the sun reminding me that he loves me most when in California, I'm almost sure of it. The trees sway differently in California, I'm convinced that trees are so much happier when they're swaying under the California sun in the California breeze. I'm daydreaming of...Venice beach on a summer day, sandals all day everyday, beach hair cause I just don't care, sun kissed skin... a rainy day in Irvine, with my rainboots, trying to catch the shuttle bus...running into friendly faces, avoiding friendly face because you didn't comb your hair that morning, fresh southern California air, the smell of freshly cut grass....

Waking up on a Saturday morning to the smell of burritos de huevo con chorizo, and my mother's beautiful face. My father laying on the couch watching football probably, blowing me a huge smooch while I pass the living room. My sisters...my sisters...

BUT DONT GET ME WRONG....I love Spain and hey, it's home now. And today next year, I'll most likely be whining how I miss the way sun creates the most beautiful shadows against tall, paint-chipped buildings, the sounds of the acordeon in the distance, people dining in the streets, people sitting in circles in a park just sipping on wine or beer having a great time, feeling like living alone in a large city isn't impossible, the convenience of catching the metro, that setting of an old spanish film, dim lighting, the smell of...ham?? and one word: SANGRIA.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but I feel like I can do anything now...finding an apartment in a different language...check, going to class where the professor lectures in Spanish...no prob! Traveling from place to place, finally holding my head up high like I own this city...oh you know it.

This city is mine. I own it because I know it. Tourists? Get outtaaa ma wayy...I'm trying to get home/to the store/to class...(whatever). Oh and just let me know if you wanna roll through....

Now that i'm adjusted, I find myself asking what I need to do next...of course. Because for some reason, and even my mother can tell you this, I can never JUST CHILL. Celeste can be lazy but Celeste is always ready for her next challenge or adventure...and then she'll probably complain about it later, and then later after that say she loves it...Celeste has a problem.

I went to a party last night at my friend Lea's apartment. She an Erasmus student, from France who I met at a hostel. I had the most amazing experience...meeting people from different parts of the world, attempting to share one language that none of us really know all too well. That was one experience I wouldn't give back if you held California hostage

And yet there are many...there are plenty...SANGRIA...is another.


Sweet mother and father of mine...I am healthy, I am eating, I have a nice place to call home, I go to church on Sundays, attend school on weekdays. I'm understanding, learning, growing, tasting foods, taking in sights and sounds, and thinking BIG.

I am here, I am all eyes, I am all ears, all mind, all soul... but my heart is always home.

(you like that ending dont you)

does the truth truly refresh a broken mind?

I want to tell you what I see when I look out my window. I want to paint this picture with my words of the beauty of this place...this film set staged for the perfect Spanish film.  Young men playing futbol, tall and old paint-chipped buildings, the warm sun that seems to burn brighter and warmer here, a kind of fresh breeze that just by breathing in seems  to remind you that you aren't home. But what I'm describing, what I see, sounds beautiful, yes. But something that I've really taken note of is that seeing something and feeling go hand in hand, you cannot have one without the other. And isn't that odd?  Because if it was that simple, to just see something beautiful, take it in and feel good and put it on your list of the most beautiful things you've experienced then I tell you with confidence, that you've gained nothing. Because it's nothing like that, its nothing as easy as that. At first I didn't know why that was, I thought maybe it was just me, because I overthink everything, but then now I think I can say i've sort of caught on to why it is that this 'phenomenon' occurs.  And as I complete my first month abroad today with 11 more months to go, I think of  two very important people in my life, JP and Liz. I've been thinking about you both a lot. And I wonder about what you were feeling and thinking and I wonder if you  feel or have felt any of what I am feeling right now--experienced this phenomenon.  It's a feeling you really can't explain, and honestly, I wonder if you both never told me about it because you couldn't explain it either. Me and Nate had this conversation...frustrated and exhausted walking through some of the most beautiful streets I have ever walked through, wondering why you guys never told us it would be so much tougher than anyone would think.  That you couldn't see something beautiful or take a gorgeous sight in without questioning things you were told or learned, thinking and rethinking everything. And now that I think about it, I realize you have told me about this. I realize what you mean when you told me that I was going to change. Because its only been one month, and I don't think I am the same person I was a month ago.

Whether this happens to everyone who goes abroad or not, I want to continue writing about what I mean when I say you can't view an image or take in its beauty and walk away feeling like your skipping on clouds, put in your pocket and move on with your life.  This is nothing like any family vacation I've ever been on, this is no vacation at all.  This is complete awareness of everything and everyone around you, this is learning something new everyday, this is--I have never been this lonely, I have never seen something so beautiful, I've never ever felt so grateful, I don't understand what you just asked me but I am going to just nod my head or say no thank you, I have no idea where I am currently, how I will get back to my hostel/dorm or where I will be one month tomorrow, the most rewarding experience, this is the thought that I know there are a million hard-working people in the world that deserve this so much more than I do.  So as you can see, this is just a handful of the thoughts that go on in my busy head every day, aside from constantly thinking of my parents, my sisters, my friends, my Ale, my little chihuahua--always always. Thinking exhausts, I feel very tired--but you have to keep pushing yourself because this is once in a lifetime, this is get out of your room because you have to go and see something new, you have to meet someone new, you have to be that person that has the opportunity so you better make it worth it. Its a constant push and it's the thought that I know I have so much support from so many people at home and I have to make them proud. And I am not homesick, nor do I wish to be home, but I think I have gotten to know so much more of who I am, what I want to change about myself, and how much I need to grow up. And knowing yourself, learning more about what exists out there is good, its beautiful, its fun, exciting, its rewarding, but its hard, its work, its lonely, its you're never at ease, never relaxed, its holy shit I get how this  makes sense now or this doesn't make any sense at all.

I sat in el Parque del Retiro en Madrid one of the most amazing places i've been, it might've just about blew me away with its beauty like a leaf in the wind that lands on a lake irritating its waters, causing small ripples, ripples metaphorical for the changes i'm feeling. Ripples metaphorical for this thought that at times brews in my mind, this "why am I doing this again? why did i leave the comfort of my home? why did i leave love?" everything was so nice, my life was pretty perfect and I just threw myself into a new place, with new people, forced to recreate my life.  I looked over at my best friend Nathan and said 'holy _ we are home nate, we are in Madrid and we've come along way from those dorms 2 years ago'. And we sat in silence, at sunset, thinking about home, thinking about our little cities back in the states, which still exist, but here and to these people don't? Such small little cities that billions of people do not know exist, but to us they are essentially  our everything, our world and all we know.  And when I shared with him my thought, my question of 'what am i doing?' I was comforted to hear that he thought and felt the same thing at times. And he told me, this is who we are, we get bored, we want change, challenge, fear, we want to learn, we crave excitement, a life of a dreamer. And thats who and what we are, two little Mexican kids, dreamers, crazy people, set out on our adventure to see the world, to paint a picture with our words, capture what we see, take it back home, share it, create some form of art of it, to return and try and convince you that this is what you need to do,that  this is what you need to see and experience.  

Before this month, I had no balls, I didn't know what balls were. And now, I think I have a pair growing.

I love my towel, my old blue and bleach stained towel from home. When I packed it I was in a rush, I just needed a towel and it didnt matter which one. And now, i've never been more grateful for my old blue towel and there is no other towel I would've brought now. It's odd how someone can have a relationship with an inaminate object. My towel has been through so some shit, its been my pillow when my head has ached, my blanket when I am too cold, something to hug when I just need to just hug something. It really is a form of love. Odd yes, but have you met me?

I'm so grateful for this. I saw crazies run with bulls, I danced on Abbey Road, walked through broken glass of the riots in London, experienced Amsterdam, partied with the Spanish, met people from all around the world, stood on Anne Frank's doorstep, laid on the beaches of Brighton. Last night, I dreamt in Spanish. Never thought that one would happen.

burn like a fabulous roman candle

Oh my gosh I am a horrible person... horrible in that I have forgotten about you my dear blog, horrible in that its been so long since I have excercised my brain in thinking about thinking.  Because its easy to think, since we think without even thinking that we're thinking but its hard to think and then reflect on your thoughts.  That requires some effort, effort that--lets be real--no one wants to put in.  But its probably healthy that I do so, so I'm going to do it...and since I know my parents will probably read this (because they spend more time on their damn ipad  than CALLING ME ON THE PHONE to tell me they miss me),  then that means I have to think even harder by trying not to say something that would cause an eyebrow to raise....so I giving myself some kudos.
Which brings me to a memory of someone who told me not long ago that they don't like to blog because they always feel as though when they're writing they have to write eloquently to impress someone to the point where they begin writing nowhere near in they way they speak.  And I realized this was so true, and I probably do it too often, but I guess i'm going to say that this is my moment to be as pretentious as I want, so i'm going with it.
But in reality, back to the thought-thing, I was thinking about how sometimes my own thoughts scare me.  It's sort of like when you're in denial about something, you have the knowledge deep in your mind of it but you attempt to avoid it in real life. Its like this ugly place in your mind, its one that you can never discover in a person, these thoughts that are kept hidden by a facade or act.  Its the most real place one could ever venture to, but its locked by all these doors, requires you to utter secret passwords (lotr reference), hidden keys all in order to enter that place of in someone's mind. And i'm not just talking about reading someone's mind, that's surface level poop.  I'm talking about the thoughts that you yourself don't like to think about.
My most recent thought I'll willingly share, deals with reflecting on who as you continue living and growing you choose to keep in your life.  I call it, "Timeline of Life", its this: imagine your walking on this time line, as you're walking, the things around you are changing, but more specifically, the people who hold relevance in your life.  There's those people that will always continue walking alongside with you, such as you're family, and there's the many that fall behind, and then there's many coming in to join .  It's interesting how we we're given the free will to choose who on that timeline we choose to keep as we continue walking.  It may not seem so, but we all have the potential to keep who we want and to let go of those that we feel have that given us what we needed from and then are ready to continue forward.  As I reflect on my own timeline journey, its frightening and horrible to think about what I'm about to say but whatever I'll say it, since im going to assume that the only people reading this are the people who are never leaving my timeline (and if you don't think your on timeline, you're on it now).  But anyway, its horrible that its like you really truly know who's staying on your timeline and who isn't.  I feel like as one continues walking along it, one begins to learn what kind of people they want there with them.  Not to say that that those who are not walking on your timeline are incompetent of walking alongside, (yeesh i'm not that pretentious), but rather I mean that you begin to find this pattern of people who you enjoy surrounding yourself with.
And actually I just realized, I feel so incredibly proud of myself for the people that I have accumulated on mine, my gosh that sounds so dumb, but I can pridefully say that I've kept the best of the best.  My people are on fire, they want to challenge themselves, fight, argue, do something for the greater good, make a difference (so cliche, but cliche for a reason), and yes they are always on point.  Its probably good to question what kind of people you choose to keep with you, who should stay, who should go, but again...thats playing with that deep dark place in your thoughts that I was talking about earlier, the place where we never like to think about what we really know.  We prefer to avoid that truth that we know.
So I guess what I mean in all this, is that its interesting how we have the free will to choose that kind of thing.  Ah I realize I probably went off on multiple tangents, but again...whatever.  I'll leave you with this fantastic quote that I will forever obsess over...


[...] the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...' " -Jack Kerouac

Oh and I almost forgot...here's my friend Nathan's blog, its kinda good or whatever...

http://firstdraftinnature.wordpress.com/