Meet my talented roommates in Madrid...

Had to post these videos! These are some of the works of my roommates here in Madrid, they're so talented and they're fantastic! (Ines y Santi).... feelin' lucky

Cali...I mean Madrid Dreaming...

I have to admit that I really have to push myself to write in this blog now.  It's not like I have nothing to write about, believe me I could completely bore you with my stories, or if you're my mother, have you reading for days. It's just that I think I've hit a point in this whole thing where things are feeling just...normal.  And when things are just normal, when things are just every day life, you feel like what you're living isn't really worth writing about. If I was in Irvine, I highly doubt anyone would care to read what I was doing day to day, or which PA party I attended...I doubt I'd find interest in even writing about that.

Yes, I'm in Spain and living a completely different lifestyle culturally than I'd be if I was in the US, but it's odd how a different lifestyle could really become natural to someone. Its insane how it could only take a month or two for you to adjust to a new place. And if you think about it, in a whole lifetime there are plenty of "two months" in order to adjust to a new place. But believe me, the amount of work and shit I've gone through in the past two months...I'm not quite sure I'd give up just any two months to adjust to a new place...it requires quite a bit of energy to get to the adjusted point I am in now.

I don't want to write and while I write get through all of the things that I've been thinking so I'll just write it in bits....

ONLY SOME of the things I've learned and realized...

I don't think I've ever been more patriotic in my life than I am now.  The United States is me, I am the United States. Thank you for your political correctness, diverse choice of foods, the convenience of getting anything done quickly and efficiently and on time, friendly people, advanced technology, for making all dollar amounts the same size and for taking good care of my family. To that I'll sing, Godbless America, that one country song that they always play during the firework show at 4th of July.

The beach, trees, mountains, landscapes....what I would give to lay and fall asleep on the sand, with the sun kissing my face...the sun reminding me that he loves me most when in California, I'm almost sure of it. The trees sway differently in California, I'm convinced that trees are so much happier when they're swaying under the California sun in the California breeze. I'm daydreaming of...Venice beach on a summer day, sandals all day everyday, beach hair cause I just don't care, sun kissed skin... a rainy day in Irvine, with my rainboots, trying to catch the shuttle bus...running into friendly faces, avoiding friendly face because you didn't comb your hair that morning, fresh southern California air, the smell of freshly cut grass....

Waking up on a Saturday morning to the smell of burritos de huevo con chorizo, and my mother's beautiful face. My father laying on the couch watching football probably, blowing me a huge smooch while I pass the living room. My sisters...my sisters...

BUT DONT GET ME WRONG....I love Spain and hey, it's home now. And today next year, I'll most likely be whining how I miss the way sun creates the most beautiful shadows against tall, paint-chipped buildings, the sounds of the acordeon in the distance, people dining in the streets, people sitting in circles in a park just sipping on wine or beer having a great time, feeling like living alone in a large city isn't impossible, the convenience of catching the metro, that setting of an old spanish film, dim lighting, the smell of...ham?? and one word: SANGRIA.

Not trying to toot my own horn, but I feel like I can do anything now...finding an apartment in a different language...check, going to class where the professor lectures in Spanish...no prob! Traveling from place to place, finally holding my head up high like I own this city...oh you know it.

This city is mine. I own it because I know it. Tourists? Get outtaaa ma wayy...I'm trying to get home/to the store/to class...(whatever). Oh and just let me know if you wanna roll through....

Now that i'm adjusted, I find myself asking what I need to do next...of course. Because for some reason, and even my mother can tell you this, I can never JUST CHILL. Celeste can be lazy but Celeste is always ready for her next challenge or adventure...and then she'll probably complain about it later, and then later after that say she loves it...Celeste has a problem.

I went to a party last night at my friend Lea's apartment. She an Erasmus student, from France who I met at a hostel. I had the most amazing experience...meeting people from different parts of the world, attempting to share one language that none of us really know all too well. That was one experience I wouldn't give back if you held California hostage

And yet there are many...there are plenty...SANGRIA...is another.


Sweet mother and father of mine...I am healthy, I am eating, I have a nice place to call home, I go to church on Sundays, attend school on weekdays. I'm understanding, learning, growing, tasting foods, taking in sights and sounds, and thinking BIG.

I am here, I am all eyes, I am all ears, all mind, all soul... but my heart is always home.

(you like that ending dont you)

does the truth truly refresh a broken mind?

I want to tell you what I see when I look out my window. I want to paint this picture with my words of the beauty of this place...this film set staged for the perfect Spanish film.  Young men playing futbol, tall and old paint-chipped buildings, the warm sun that seems to burn brighter and warmer here, a kind of fresh breeze that just by breathing in seems  to remind you that you aren't home. But what I'm describing, what I see, sounds beautiful, yes. But something that I've really taken note of is that seeing something and feeling go hand in hand, you cannot have one without the other. And isn't that odd?  Because if it was that simple, to just see something beautiful, take it in and feel good and put it on your list of the most beautiful things you've experienced then I tell you with confidence, that you've gained nothing. Because it's nothing like that, its nothing as easy as that. At first I didn't know why that was, I thought maybe it was just me, because I overthink everything, but then now I think I can say i've sort of caught on to why it is that this 'phenomenon' occurs.  And as I complete my first month abroad today with 11 more months to go, I think of  two very important people in my life, JP and Liz. I've been thinking about you both a lot. And I wonder about what you were feeling and thinking and I wonder if you  feel or have felt any of what I am feeling right now--experienced this phenomenon.  It's a feeling you really can't explain, and honestly, I wonder if you both never told me about it because you couldn't explain it either. Me and Nate had this conversation...frustrated and exhausted walking through some of the most beautiful streets I have ever walked through, wondering why you guys never told us it would be so much tougher than anyone would think.  That you couldn't see something beautiful or take a gorgeous sight in without questioning things you were told or learned, thinking and rethinking everything. And now that I think about it, I realize you have told me about this. I realize what you mean when you told me that I was going to change. Because its only been one month, and I don't think I am the same person I was a month ago.

Whether this happens to everyone who goes abroad or not, I want to continue writing about what I mean when I say you can't view an image or take in its beauty and walk away feeling like your skipping on clouds, put in your pocket and move on with your life.  This is nothing like any family vacation I've ever been on, this is no vacation at all.  This is complete awareness of everything and everyone around you, this is learning something new everyday, this is--I have never been this lonely, I have never seen something so beautiful, I've never ever felt so grateful, I don't understand what you just asked me but I am going to just nod my head or say no thank you, I have no idea where I am currently, how I will get back to my hostel/dorm or where I will be one month tomorrow, the most rewarding experience, this is the thought that I know there are a million hard-working people in the world that deserve this so much more than I do.  So as you can see, this is just a handful of the thoughts that go on in my busy head every day, aside from constantly thinking of my parents, my sisters, my friends, my Ale, my little chihuahua--always always. Thinking exhausts, I feel very tired--but you have to keep pushing yourself because this is once in a lifetime, this is get out of your room because you have to go and see something new, you have to meet someone new, you have to be that person that has the opportunity so you better make it worth it. Its a constant push and it's the thought that I know I have so much support from so many people at home and I have to make them proud. And I am not homesick, nor do I wish to be home, but I think I have gotten to know so much more of who I am, what I want to change about myself, and how much I need to grow up. And knowing yourself, learning more about what exists out there is good, its beautiful, its fun, exciting, its rewarding, but its hard, its work, its lonely, its you're never at ease, never relaxed, its holy shit I get how this  makes sense now or this doesn't make any sense at all.

I sat in el Parque del Retiro en Madrid one of the most amazing places i've been, it might've just about blew me away with its beauty like a leaf in the wind that lands on a lake irritating its waters, causing small ripples, ripples metaphorical for the changes i'm feeling. Ripples metaphorical for this thought that at times brews in my mind, this "why am I doing this again? why did i leave the comfort of my home? why did i leave love?" everything was so nice, my life was pretty perfect and I just threw myself into a new place, with new people, forced to recreate my life.  I looked over at my best friend Nathan and said 'holy _ we are home nate, we are in Madrid and we've come along way from those dorms 2 years ago'. And we sat in silence, at sunset, thinking about home, thinking about our little cities back in the states, which still exist, but here and to these people don't? Such small little cities that billions of people do not know exist, but to us they are essentially  our everything, our world and all we know.  And when I shared with him my thought, my question of 'what am i doing?' I was comforted to hear that he thought and felt the same thing at times. And he told me, this is who we are, we get bored, we want change, challenge, fear, we want to learn, we crave excitement, a life of a dreamer. And thats who and what we are, two little Mexican kids, dreamers, crazy people, set out on our adventure to see the world, to paint a picture with our words, capture what we see, take it back home, share it, create some form of art of it, to return and try and convince you that this is what you need to do,that  this is what you need to see and experience.  

Before this month, I had no balls, I didn't know what balls were. And now, I think I have a pair growing.

I love my towel, my old blue and bleach stained towel from home. When I packed it I was in a rush, I just needed a towel and it didnt matter which one. And now, i've never been more grateful for my old blue towel and there is no other towel I would've brought now. It's odd how someone can have a relationship with an inaminate object. My towel has been through so some shit, its been my pillow when my head has ached, my blanket when I am too cold, something to hug when I just need to just hug something. It really is a form of love. Odd yes, but have you met me?

I'm so grateful for this. I saw crazies run with bulls, I danced on Abbey Road, walked through broken glass of the riots in London, experienced Amsterdam, partied with the Spanish, met people from all around the world, stood on Anne Frank's doorstep, laid on the beaches of Brighton. Last night, I dreamt in Spanish. Never thought that one would happen.

burn like a fabulous roman candle

Oh my gosh I am a horrible person... horrible in that I have forgotten about you my dear blog, horrible in that its been so long since I have excercised my brain in thinking about thinking.  Because its easy to think, since we think without even thinking that we're thinking but its hard to think and then reflect on your thoughts.  That requires some effort, effort that--lets be real--no one wants to put in.  But its probably healthy that I do so, so I'm going to do it...and since I know my parents will probably read this (because they spend more time on their damn ipad  than CALLING ME ON THE PHONE to tell me they miss me),  then that means I have to think even harder by trying not to say something that would cause an eyebrow to raise....so I giving myself some kudos.
Which brings me to a memory of someone who told me not long ago that they don't like to blog because they always feel as though when they're writing they have to write eloquently to impress someone to the point where they begin writing nowhere near in they way they speak.  And I realized this was so true, and I probably do it too often, but I guess i'm going to say that this is my moment to be as pretentious as I want, so i'm going with it.
But in reality, back to the thought-thing, I was thinking about how sometimes my own thoughts scare me.  It's sort of like when you're in denial about something, you have the knowledge deep in your mind of it but you attempt to avoid it in real life. Its like this ugly place in your mind, its one that you can never discover in a person, these thoughts that are kept hidden by a facade or act.  Its the most real place one could ever venture to, but its locked by all these doors, requires you to utter secret passwords (lotr reference), hidden keys all in order to enter that place of in someone's mind. And i'm not just talking about reading someone's mind, that's surface level poop.  I'm talking about the thoughts that you yourself don't like to think about.
My most recent thought I'll willingly share, deals with reflecting on who as you continue living and growing you choose to keep in your life.  I call it, "Timeline of Life", its this: imagine your walking on this time line, as you're walking, the things around you are changing, but more specifically, the people who hold relevance in your life.  There's those people that will always continue walking alongside with you, such as you're family, and there's the many that fall behind, and then there's many coming in to join .  It's interesting how we we're given the free will to choose who on that timeline we choose to keep as we continue walking.  It may not seem so, but we all have the potential to keep who we want and to let go of those that we feel have that given us what we needed from and then are ready to continue forward.  As I reflect on my own timeline journey, its frightening and horrible to think about what I'm about to say but whatever I'll say it, since im going to assume that the only people reading this are the people who are never leaving my timeline (and if you don't think your on timeline, you're on it now).  But anyway, its horrible that its like you really truly know who's staying on your timeline and who isn't.  I feel like as one continues walking along it, one begins to learn what kind of people they want there with them.  Not to say that that those who are not walking on your timeline are incompetent of walking alongside, (yeesh i'm not that pretentious), but rather I mean that you begin to find this pattern of people who you enjoy surrounding yourself with.
And actually I just realized, I feel so incredibly proud of myself for the people that I have accumulated on mine, my gosh that sounds so dumb, but I can pridefully say that I've kept the best of the best.  My people are on fire, they want to challenge themselves, fight, argue, do something for the greater good, make a difference (so cliche, but cliche for a reason), and yes they are always on point.  Its probably good to question what kind of people you choose to keep with you, who should stay, who should go, but again...thats playing with that deep dark place in your thoughts that I was talking about earlier, the place where we never like to think about what we really know.  We prefer to avoid that truth that we know.
So I guess what I mean in all this, is that its interesting how we have the free will to choose that kind of thing.  Ah I realize I probably went off on multiple tangents, but again...whatever.  I'll leave you with this fantastic quote that I will forever obsess over...


[...] the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...' " -Jack Kerouac

Oh and I almost forgot...here's my friend Nathan's blog, its kinda good or whatever...

http://firstdraftinnature.wordpress.com/

Professor Schwegler is the man

PARDON MY GRAMMAR (i'm being a lazy writer)

It doesnt take alot for something to blow my mind.  I'm easily fascinated...

BUT, as of late, I've been seeing everything little thing as a larger sign of something so much bigger!  Okay but mainly I have to write about a great conversation I had, I believe, last week.  So there was this luncheon for all Spanish majors, so of course me and Nathan didn't even think twice at the fact there was going to be giving out free food. The plan was to go, get food and jet out of there.  But we walk in sign in, get our food and realize that if you're there for the Spanish luncheon then you have to actually sit with the people from the Spanish department.  Now me and Nathan look at each other and we realize, damn it...what did we get ourselves into, we should've known free food was going to come with a catch.  So we sit, the professors are like thrilled to meet us, shaking our hands, arguably like the happiest people you'd ever meet  Now keep in mind they're professors from the Spanish dept. so they're all speaking spanish and so we obviously have to communicate with them in Spanish.  So i'm trying to eat my nachos, I get cheese in my hair, Nathan looks uncomfortable, they're asking us questions.  It was one of those awkward moments.  BUT ANYWAY... to get to my point and what's been on my mind since this day is this:
One of the professors comes over sits with us and we start talking about our future with him.  And he told us something so true and great.  He had me nodding my head like 'preach it sir' the entire time.  He said something along the lines of one of my favorite mottos.  He told us, you have to be challenged and always choose the harder route.  Because when you decide upon the harder route of something, its going to end up resulting in an unforgettable experience.   He told us, if you go outside right now and climb that small hill, you will forget you did it by the end of the week.  If you go and climb Mount Everest however, now that will be something you'll never forget it.  Seems obvious right?  But this is an anology I truly want to base my life on and I want to share with anyone or everyone who may feel they are experiencing difficulties.  If you think about taking the easy route to ANYTHING, what will you remember from it? What can you be proud of? Does what we do, the decisions we make, make us who we are?  Or??? Hmmm I dont know, something interesting to think about I guess..
The idea is, that I've realized however, is that its so easy to stay in the comfort of what you know--the same lifestyle, same group of friends, same routine etc.  Its all we become to know, and it begins to seem like what WE KNOW, becomes WHO WE are.  And we become comfortable with what we know, and the idea that it becomes who we are, because its all we know, or rather, all we care to know( read that twice).  We forget about our dreams, the bucket list we 'once had', those ambitions we once set that linger in the dark corners of the back our mind.  This is a depressing thought.
My hope for myself, and for everyone (especially those I care for) is that I may (and you) never become comfortable with my surroundings.  Or rather, that I never let comfort limit me from doing everything I plan to do.  For now, and yes I understand that what I want may change, I never want to be fully satisfied or settled--that my ambition will never cease to fight for everything I wan to live up to be.  Sounds dramatic I know, but its A REVELATION!!

My spanish professor picked a scab I had once picked at before.  And letting the blood out, felt amazing! Meaning to say, that it was a great conversation.  I look at what I know about my professors life (he knows over a dozen languages, has traveled the world, lived in different parts of the world) and I say, so me and Nathan look at each other and say...Dang so it is possible to be old and still be living and believing that there's still so much more you can do even when you're at that age. When he left the cafeteria, me and Nate were  in awe....And then to top off fact that he blew us away, through the window we saw the old professor ride his bike off into the distance.

I want to be the old man who rides his bike in the distance leaving nerdy kids in awe.

How weird will this be...

Something happened this weekend that pushed me to further my desire of blogging. It was a moment I had with with three of my best friends, a surreal moment that made me realize that blogging might just be the thing I need to do (considering that my mind has been swirling with ideas and thoughts lately).  Anyway, I admitted to my friends that I often tend to narrate things AS they are happening.  Let me give you an example of what I mean by this, me and my friends will be having a conversation regarding our health while we break the seal of a new bottle of Nutella and in my head I begin to narrate our actions like, "she plunged her knife into the bottle of Nutella as she looked up to finish saying it was important that we begin counting cals".  I was convinced I was the only one who did that sort of thing, that's why I had never shared with anyone that I would do that, come to find out there are some that do.  Now i'm thinking, more people are as weird as I am...that's a comforting thought.

 But my point in this is that I'm going to take a big leap here and write, just write.  Number one because I think it would be healthy for me, and number two because I don't want to regret one day no having done it, since its something I've always wanted to do.  Regardless of who reads, that isn't the point.  It's a personal thing.  Who am I talking to? It may be no one and thats okay because in a sense I believe that it's good to talk to yourself, or to reflect. I've begun to embrace my 'alone time', I want to become used to being alone, and love it.  Or rather, independent.  Last year when I lived in Sierra we were required to write weekly journals to past a Sierran, and I realized this weekend that its healthy to just sit and write out everything.  Everything that bothered me, that I loved, enjoyed, felt or desired at the moment.  And that is what I intend to do through this.

I've never been so pensive lately and so eager to get things moving.  Something in me is just screaming and anticipating bigger and better things.  I've admitted to myself that I have been incredibly restless, I want a new job, a new project, to take the next step, I want to challenge myself, feel a new passion for something.  I can only hope this restlessness is a good thing, I can only hope that this thirst for adventure isn't just a faze, because I have to admit that I'm falling in love with it.