I want to dance with my books

I'm going to be one of those girls who explains what reading makes her feel. Mainly, because I just can't help but feel like expressing to someone or in this case, something, how deeply passionate and in love I am with reading.

I am in love with books. I am in love with the way they make me feel. They give me inspiration, ideas, they make me feel like I am not alone. They make me feel like I am not crazy. They show me that are people just like me, that there are people crazier, more afraid, more angry, lost, wilder and hungrier for something. They make me want to be more than who I am, and they show me that so much can be done under any circumstance. Books are therapeutic, they reassure you of life, they reassure you of an outcome to any dramatic twist or turn, sad event, upset truth. They open the mind giving thought to things that were never once pondered or anticipated. They test you, challenge you. Books make you feel. Printed words make you feel, because they come from somewhere. They come from a PLACE. A place that exists in SOMEONE ELSE's mind. Which is creepy. Its so creepy, it becomes an art to reveal those thoughts which come from those places--because it is very difficult task to do. It is difficult to communicate to someone your story and truly enthrall or captivate them in your work.

This is why I don't just like my favorite authors, I love them. Because they have found their way into my soul. And although they do not know me, they did something special for me without probably even knowing they would.

Playing with dolls

When I was a kid I used to stare out the window thinking it was such a shame that we had to waste the day sitting class. I'd imagine how nice it'd be to be some place else. Some place with trees, grassy green hills and blue skies. This hasn't changed, I still do it. I always wish to be some place else than wherever I am. I was thinking about this as I sat in class today. Then I started to realize how both the same and different I am from who I was when I was little. We all have relationships with ourselves, we all talk to ourselves, think and contemplate decisions that we tell our bodies to act upon [or not to act upon]. Then all of a sudden I was overcome by this unique kind of sadness when I realized just how much I had forgotten about little Celeste. I started to think how sometimes I would much rather have a relationship with who I was when I when I was a kid then with I who I am now.

I began to remember how much I used to love playing with my dolls, ahah I actually didn't grow out of them for a while, to be honest. Because for me it wasn't play, it was something more...For me it was almost a form of art--it was creating elaborate plots, with complex and dynamic characters, unique settings with climactic endings. It was true imagination that once used to come so easy. It would excite me and I would be anxious to come home, finish all the responsibilites I had (as a kid) and start a new story with my dolls.

Today I look up to the younger me for being that storyteller, for creating something even if it was small and for the imagination that once took me outside the walls of my home and brought me to new places.

I thought about how much of that I lost, and why I have not continued to use my imagination the way I once did and why many of us no longer do. If we once had the ability to be 'makers' and 'doers'  as kids and we're so good at it, then why do we lose it? Should we only get better at it/ continue to do it? (MAYBE I should just speak for myself here). And we shouldn`t stop for the fear of not being successful at it. Like a child, we should be excited to create for the purpose of entertaining ourselves like we used to.

Like my dolls, my goal is to make my written words my dolls and regain the ambition and excitement to create like little Celeste used to. I think it's going to be harder than I think, but if I'm realizing how much I've lost it at this age, imagine how i'll feel if I never did it by the age of idk say 50? I wont be happy.

This is our decade!

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back?"

Tolkien's characters Frodo & Sam in his epic trilogy, Lord of the Rings were certain of one thing as they continued their journey to destroy the ring...that life would never be the same. And although much of the story is based on the goal of destroying the ring, a large part of the story's plot are the internal conflicts within the characters that are not out rightly stated. Toward the last half of the trilogy Frodo was still unable to accept that life could not be the same, that too much had changed.  And as the story unfolds the spectator/reader is able to see how dynamic the characters become after facing much adversity.

What I am able to appreciate now, more than ever before..and after much reflection and deep thought, is how much the journey really matters more than the conquest. Mainly because a huge part OF  the conquest are the internal changes that occur within the character. As lameee as it sounds, or rather as predictable as it may be for me to relate to Frodo, I truly, truly do! Because anyone I've spoken to can tell you how much time I've spent time ranting about how different life will be when I return. But that isn't what i'm going to spend time writing about...because I don't think that way anymore!

I sat for a second a few months back and remembered how afraid I was to change because so many people had told me I would, and I figured, how much could I possibly change? And IF I changed, could I still go back to doing the same things I did before, sit on a couch and hang with the same people. And as I sit here today, I think... if I could travel back in time, I would face palm myself, because i'm thinking...OF COURSE I COULD go back and do the same things, and I know I WILL! Because, like in Tolkien's works of fiction he did not outright state that his characters had changed through narration,  it was simply shown that it had become embedded within them through their actions. They we're the same goofball hobbits from the Shire, but they're mindsets and perspectives on life were what had changed most of all. 

I recently started wondering why I was losing so much motivation to go back home and continue with the plan that I had set out for myself before leaving. My mother, more than anyone knows how much of a long-term goal-setter I am. I used to pat myself on the back in front of her to remind her how credible I am after accomplishing a goal I told her that I'd accomplish. And now I'm actually struggling to "see my future". Mainly because I really don't know where its going. And normally, I would freak out a little bit...start doing some research and figure out possibilities for my life...options! But I'm not, not a part of me is stressing....because I have that much faith in it [life that it].

It's because I feel so differently about it now...its crazzzzzy how different. I've gone a few places, seen a few things, but the greatest part of being abroad has been meeting people who continue to WOW me with their faith in life. I believed the true path to success was finishing college, getting an internship in my fourth year with a job, graduating, hoping to land a job in the internship I was working for, and then working my way up the ladder to success. And it's not a bad goal, its great really. But I'm just not sure its the goal for me. As I continue enter and live out the decade of my 20's, I've started to believe in something different. I've met people working in different countries, learning new languages, seeing the world, working for a greater cause, and being so happy that they're constructing their life differently. And I think its so beautiful. Lot's of people say their goal in life is to travel and that one day they plan to do this, or that. Now i'm realizing that TODAY is truly the time to do it. 

Now I've spent almost a year abroad, through a program with my university. And I have been largely supported by my parents (bless their beautiful hearts, hardworking hands, and minds), as well as a few loans. But never have I believed how possible it is for anyone, anyone!, to see the world and live their life out-of-the-box, no matter who you are. I know this because I've met so many interesting characters doing it without the support of anyone but themselves. How they do it? Well, I suppose it's something you'd have to figure out on your own, but I believe that is the beauty of it. 

We really do have our later years to grow old. And I hope I never spend my younger years doing that. I strive to make my parents and mentors proud. But I think it's important to make them proud by doing the things that maybe they did not have the chance or opportunity to do. To see new lands, help people in need, learn new languages, taste new foods and put ourselves in places where we've never been more afraid to be in (not too dangerous of course!) because its something SO different than what we know. Its something that will change us.

And yet, I'm still coping with my new mindset...juggling with the idea of whether its okay to think like this, but I figure that's normal? I never plan to lose ambition, that is not my goal. I just plan to embrace the beauty of my youth, which is something I hope for everyone.

Do what makes you happy, in the most responsible way possible. AND you are never too young, too poor, to incapable to see the SAHARA DESERT (but I can't promise it won't be challenging) so try to see it! :)

I know so many people are in the midst of finals, it's a time of true stress and anxiety. But don't forget that 20 years from now you won't remember if you screwed up a little on that test, (I am not condoning bad grades of course), you'll remember the challenge &  journey more than the conquest. Have faith that life will take its course, but put the right work into. This is our decade to do the shit we can tell our children about later. And later is for hoping they will do the same.