burn like a fabulous roman candle

Oh my gosh I am a horrible person... horrible in that I have forgotten about you my dear blog, horrible in that its been so long since I have excercised my brain in thinking about thinking.  Because its easy to think, since we think without even thinking that we're thinking but its hard to think and then reflect on your thoughts.  That requires some effort, effort that--lets be real--no one wants to put in.  But its probably healthy that I do so, so I'm going to do it...and since I know my parents will probably read this (because they spend more time on their damn ipad  than CALLING ME ON THE PHONE to tell me they miss me),  then that means I have to think even harder by trying not to say something that would cause an eyebrow to raise....so I giving myself some kudos.
Which brings me to a memory of someone who told me not long ago that they don't like to blog because they always feel as though when they're writing they have to write eloquently to impress someone to the point where they begin writing nowhere near in they way they speak.  And I realized this was so true, and I probably do it too often, but I guess i'm going to say that this is my moment to be as pretentious as I want, so i'm going with it.
But in reality, back to the thought-thing, I was thinking about how sometimes my own thoughts scare me.  It's sort of like when you're in denial about something, you have the knowledge deep in your mind of it but you attempt to avoid it in real life. Its like this ugly place in your mind, its one that you can never discover in a person, these thoughts that are kept hidden by a facade or act.  Its the most real place one could ever venture to, but its locked by all these doors, requires you to utter secret passwords (lotr reference), hidden keys all in order to enter that place of in someone's mind. And i'm not just talking about reading someone's mind, that's surface level poop.  I'm talking about the thoughts that you yourself don't like to think about.
My most recent thought I'll willingly share, deals with reflecting on who as you continue living and growing you choose to keep in your life.  I call it, "Timeline of Life", its this: imagine your walking on this time line, as you're walking, the things around you are changing, but more specifically, the people who hold relevance in your life.  There's those people that will always continue walking alongside with you, such as you're family, and there's the many that fall behind, and then there's many coming in to join .  It's interesting how we we're given the free will to choose who on that timeline we choose to keep as we continue walking.  It may not seem so, but we all have the potential to keep who we want and to let go of those that we feel have that given us what we needed from and then are ready to continue forward.  As I reflect on my own timeline journey, its frightening and horrible to think about what I'm about to say but whatever I'll say it, since im going to assume that the only people reading this are the people who are never leaving my timeline (and if you don't think your on timeline, you're on it now).  But anyway, its horrible that its like you really truly know who's staying on your timeline and who isn't.  I feel like as one continues walking along it, one begins to learn what kind of people they want there with them.  Not to say that that those who are not walking on your timeline are incompetent of walking alongside, (yeesh i'm not that pretentious), but rather I mean that you begin to find this pattern of people who you enjoy surrounding yourself with.
And actually I just realized, I feel so incredibly proud of myself for the people that I have accumulated on mine, my gosh that sounds so dumb, but I can pridefully say that I've kept the best of the best.  My people are on fire, they want to challenge themselves, fight, argue, do something for the greater good, make a difference (so cliche, but cliche for a reason), and yes they are always on point.  Its probably good to question what kind of people you choose to keep with you, who should stay, who should go, but again...thats playing with that deep dark place in your thoughts that I was talking about earlier, the place where we never like to think about what we really know.  We prefer to avoid that truth that we know.
So I guess what I mean in all this, is that its interesting how we have the free will to choose that kind of thing.  Ah I realize I probably went off on multiple tangents, but again...whatever.  I'll leave you with this fantastic quote that I will forever obsess over...


[...] the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...' " -Jack Kerouac

Oh and I almost forgot...here's my friend Nathan's blog, its kinda good or whatever...

http://firstdraftinnature.wordpress.com/

Professor Schwegler is the man

PARDON MY GRAMMAR (i'm being a lazy writer)

It doesnt take alot for something to blow my mind.  I'm easily fascinated...

BUT, as of late, I've been seeing everything little thing as a larger sign of something so much bigger!  Okay but mainly I have to write about a great conversation I had, I believe, last week.  So there was this luncheon for all Spanish majors, so of course me and Nathan didn't even think twice at the fact there was going to be giving out free food. The plan was to go, get food and jet out of there.  But we walk in sign in, get our food and realize that if you're there for the Spanish luncheon then you have to actually sit with the people from the Spanish department.  Now me and Nathan look at each other and we realize, damn it...what did we get ourselves into, we should've known free food was going to come with a catch.  So we sit, the professors are like thrilled to meet us, shaking our hands, arguably like the happiest people you'd ever meet  Now keep in mind they're professors from the Spanish dept. so they're all speaking spanish and so we obviously have to communicate with them in Spanish.  So i'm trying to eat my nachos, I get cheese in my hair, Nathan looks uncomfortable, they're asking us questions.  It was one of those awkward moments.  BUT ANYWAY... to get to my point and what's been on my mind since this day is this:
One of the professors comes over sits with us and we start talking about our future with him.  And he told us something so true and great.  He had me nodding my head like 'preach it sir' the entire time.  He said something along the lines of one of my favorite mottos.  He told us, you have to be challenged and always choose the harder route.  Because when you decide upon the harder route of something, its going to end up resulting in an unforgettable experience.   He told us, if you go outside right now and climb that small hill, you will forget you did it by the end of the week.  If you go and climb Mount Everest however, now that will be something you'll never forget it.  Seems obvious right?  But this is an anology I truly want to base my life on and I want to share with anyone or everyone who may feel they are experiencing difficulties.  If you think about taking the easy route to ANYTHING, what will you remember from it? What can you be proud of? Does what we do, the decisions we make, make us who we are?  Or??? Hmmm I dont know, something interesting to think about I guess..
The idea is, that I've realized however, is that its so easy to stay in the comfort of what you know--the same lifestyle, same group of friends, same routine etc.  Its all we become to know, and it begins to seem like what WE KNOW, becomes WHO WE are.  And we become comfortable with what we know, and the idea that it becomes who we are, because its all we know, or rather, all we care to know( read that twice).  We forget about our dreams, the bucket list we 'once had', those ambitions we once set that linger in the dark corners of the back our mind.  This is a depressing thought.
My hope for myself, and for everyone (especially those I care for) is that I may (and you) never become comfortable with my surroundings.  Or rather, that I never let comfort limit me from doing everything I plan to do.  For now, and yes I understand that what I want may change, I never want to be fully satisfied or settled--that my ambition will never cease to fight for everything I wan to live up to be.  Sounds dramatic I know, but its A REVELATION!!

My spanish professor picked a scab I had once picked at before.  And letting the blood out, felt amazing! Meaning to say, that it was a great conversation.  I look at what I know about my professors life (he knows over a dozen languages, has traveled the world, lived in different parts of the world) and I say, so me and Nathan look at each other and say...Dang so it is possible to be old and still be living and believing that there's still so much more you can do even when you're at that age. When he left the cafeteria, me and Nate were  in awe....And then to top off fact that he blew us away, through the window we saw the old professor ride his bike off into the distance.

I want to be the old man who rides his bike in the distance leaving nerdy kids in awe.

How weird will this be...

Something happened this weekend that pushed me to further my desire of blogging. It was a moment I had with with three of my best friends, a surreal moment that made me realize that blogging might just be the thing I need to do (considering that my mind has been swirling with ideas and thoughts lately).  Anyway, I admitted to my friends that I often tend to narrate things AS they are happening.  Let me give you an example of what I mean by this, me and my friends will be having a conversation regarding our health while we break the seal of a new bottle of Nutella and in my head I begin to narrate our actions like, "she plunged her knife into the bottle of Nutella as she looked up to finish saying it was important that we begin counting cals".  I was convinced I was the only one who did that sort of thing, that's why I had never shared with anyone that I would do that, come to find out there are some that do.  Now i'm thinking, more people are as weird as I am...that's a comforting thought.

 But my point in this is that I'm going to take a big leap here and write, just write.  Number one because I think it would be healthy for me, and number two because I don't want to regret one day no having done it, since its something I've always wanted to do.  Regardless of who reads, that isn't the point.  It's a personal thing.  Who am I talking to? It may be no one and thats okay because in a sense I believe that it's good to talk to yourself, or to reflect. I've begun to embrace my 'alone time', I want to become used to being alone, and love it.  Or rather, independent.  Last year when I lived in Sierra we were required to write weekly journals to past a Sierran, and I realized this weekend that its healthy to just sit and write out everything.  Everything that bothered me, that I loved, enjoyed, felt or desired at the moment.  And that is what I intend to do through this.

I've never been so pensive lately and so eager to get things moving.  Something in me is just screaming and anticipating bigger and better things.  I've admitted to myself that I have been incredibly restless, I want a new job, a new project, to take the next step, I want to challenge myself, feel a new passion for something.  I can only hope this restlessness is a good thing, I can only hope that this thirst for adventure isn't just a faze, because I have to admit that I'm falling in love with it.